Doing My Best or…Why I’m Not Afraid to Die

Throughout my many years of punk rock/goth/hardcore/metal/neo-hippie adventures, one of the biggest lessons I have learned is how to not give a fuck. In some ways, that’s great right? Self-empowerment, loving oneself, following your passions…all variations of the quintessential punk rock not giving a fuck. Although you may have drawn your own conclusions about that crass phrase, personally, it brought me to a place where “doing my best” became a daily priority. The punk rock “do whatever I want” thing (eventually) became less about teenage selfishness and more about learning, risk taking and pushing myself beyond my self-made fears. Ironically, I have also spent a lot of time caring way too much about things and people I had (and still have) no control over. Not giving a fuck and caring too much actually go hand in hand. Allow me to explain. 

Stereotypically, you could say that I am the kind of person who wants to “save the world.” That judgement is not too far off honestly. With that personality trait also comes a willingness to be daring; to be the best of me, every single day. Some people call this your “highest self,” others call it “in God’s image”…regardless, it’s a thing. And it drives me to do my best every day of my life. What does doing my best look like anyway? What does doing YOUR best look like? Here’s a little story…

I once got into a dialogue/debate with my uncle about not eating meat. He assumed that I was 100% anti-meat eating though he never asked why I was vegan. He assumed that I was vegan because I thought I could change other people (the world) through my exemplary dietary lifestyle. I offered a counter example: “Let’s say a neo-Nazi moved in next door. Would you be friends with them just because they’re your neighbor or would you refuse to be friends because of their racist beliefs?” He responded, “Well, I wouldn’t be friends with them of course!” And I said, “Because you think by doing so you would influence others to do the same or because you simply refuse to be friends with a Nazi?” Silence. He got my point. 

What we do is oftentimes more about our own personal feelings/morals than how many people’s minds we think we can change or influence. What is best for me is what feels right to me. But maybe not for you. For all the critical thinkers out there who are always observing and analyzing human behavior, you probably have a similar story to mine. At times it feels like a curse, to care so much. To explain why you care. To wrestle with that yearning to understand the world and constantly, painstakingly try to fix all of its problems. At the same time, I think it’s a blessing because we are the ones who can learn the most. When we are wrong, we try to understand why (ok, not all the time but we do our best). When we don’t know, we seek to know. And when we know, we proceed with 100% commitment. I know exactly why I was vegan at that time in my life: I felt I was doing my best by being vegan. I didn’t care if it changed anyone else’s mind about diet, it was about not participating in a system I disagreed with. My uncle essentially said the same thing—if a neo-Nazi moved in next door, he would choose to do his best and not be friends with them because he disagreed with the system of beliefs the hypothetical Nazi held. It didn’t matter what people thought about us, we both made choices that we thought were the best for ourselves. And that, is how to not give a fuck.

So in the end, death? Sure, it’s a big deal but it’s not that big of deal. I live a full and vibrant existence; a life that welcomes being better and doing better. The unknown is a gift. Taking risks is fun and scary. And necessary. While we are alive, we might as well embrace life. Because it ain’t gonna get any more predictable once we die is it?

Here are three take aways for today — #1: My best is a process of seeking. It’s not about doing more than everyone else or accomplishing more. It’s about listening to the possibilities within myself that are available to me at any moment. Slowing down and considering “What does my “best” look like? Sound like? Feel like? Sometimes it’s sitting on the shore with lunch, staring into the sun with no device by my side. Other times, it’s taking notes of my mental notes on scraps of paper or on my wrist so I remember that genius idea I had while sitting in traffic. Which brings me to #2: Keeping our inspiration safe from being forgotten is what keeps us alive and thriving. That’s a fancy way to say honor your convictions. Follow your passions! Curb that fear (because too much can be counterproductive), invest in  courage and most importantly, question everything. Which is — say it with me now— why I am not afraid to die. Let’s question death! After all, we DO NOT KNOW WHAT DEATH MAY BRING. It could be full of sparkly, edible, shiny things…

And for take away #3: All we can really count on is our happiness (and well, death). My happiness is a constant, flowing effort, evolving moment by moment, through doing my best. And yes, you can count on it damnit! When we are our best, we serve humanity and serve ourselves with something so priceless nothing in the world could replace it. When I die I plan to ask myself (if timing permits), what did I do to make this place better? To make existence more than just tolerable but enjoyable and fruitful? 

I’ll leave you with a passage from one of my all time favorite hardcore bands, TRIAL: “What we want we must create / What we risk will be regained / What we'd assume we must forsake what's been destroyed / What have we done? What do I know? How far are you willing to go?”