How Divisiveness Can Make Us Smarter
How Divisiveness Can Make Us Smarter
by Amelia Wood
Divisiveness has a purpose. And it’s a hostile purpose. However, disagreeing with people doesn’t have to be hostile. And speaking your truth doesn’t have to be hostile or full of explosive anger (even if you know someone is outright lying).
There have been several periods of time in my life when I was angry every day, for a variety of reasons. I somehow managed to stay in that anger for hours, days and sometimes weeks. And if I’m honest with myself, I have been angry for years. To sum it all up, my anger has mostly been rooted in the perspective that we’re all fucked as a species. Delightful perspective, ain’t it? Although my thoughts on that notion haven’t changed entirely, my attitude certainly has.
Why have I so eloquently concluded that we are fucked as a species? The simple and totally complete answer: obsession with divisiveness. Our tendency to target, project and blame the “other” is keeping us in a black hole of fuckedness. And it’s nothing new this month, this year or this century. However, divisiveness has become a hot word these days and, don’t get it twisted, we all participate in it. When we do, things tend to get ugly. I myself have been some of that ugly—talked ugly, looked at people ugly. The reality is, ugliness rears its little head into the most sacred of places for all of us: our delicate and fragile hearts. Yup, even if you’re a tough guy, your divisiveness stems from your fragile-ass heart. Example: we misinterpret someone’s words and—we get ugly. We feel attacked—ugly. We hear a “lie”—ugly. Unfortunately, being ugly is part of being human. And most often, it’s our ugly actions that serve as a band-aid for our hearts, leaving us unresolved and exhausted.
So, how do we better manage our fragile hearts? How do we get beyond this ugly divisiveness? How do we stop wasting our ugly-ass time and energy? Is the answer to dismiss all the “others” and run far, far away to build a private, family compound? You may think that’s clever but it sure ain’t feasible for most of us. And it does not make you smarter; it makes you a coward. Divisiveness can make us smarter and here’s how (drum roll please): We must be gentle. Say it with me now: G-E-N-T-L-E. You're probably thinking, “What the hell does that mean? What a weak-ass word!” Oh Wise One, listen before you judge. A fragile heart must be handled gently. Mind you, I’m not advocating for your average kindness or oversimplified niceness. And I am definitely NOT telling anyone to withhold their truth or ignore the truth. I have learned that gentleness is the gateway to getting smarter and ultimately, less ugly. How did I learn this lesson? I got a puppy!
If you have ever had a puppy, like an eight week old puppy, you know what gentleness is. The inner and outer practice of gentleness you have to commit to is required almost every second of every day. Some may call it patience but for me that is different than gentleness. Patience ends up feeling like a chore and patience does not inherently require compassion or direct action. It is similar to the word tolerance (we all love tolerating a bug bite don’t we?). But gentleness allows you to be truthful, compassionate and take action. Granted, humans are not puppies and we do a lot of horrible things to each other. But remember the puppy point here: in the long run, you can only succeed with training the puppy (or human) to be a “good dog” by guiding and teaching it, leading by example and helping it get accustomed to healthy standards of living. If you senselessly beat it, you’re establishing an abusive relationship that will eventually, quite literally, bite you in your ass. Not a very smart move is it? So taking the lead through gentleness, instead of ugliness, can certainly help you reap the benefits down the line. Agreed?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m proposing something that isn’t easy. Engaging with gentleness takes a lot of self-awareness and self-discipline. Although it may be invisible in another person’s actions, offering them gentleness will serve both of you. It gives you leverage and it gives them a gift. We become a sounding board instead of a brick wall. We become more observant, patient, compassionate and yes, smarter! When gentleness becomes a daily practice, you can better manage your energy, time and stress. How you speak, who you speak to and what you speak will shift. You will no longer have to limit your truth; you will be able to share it in a way that can be heard.
It’s up to you to figure out how to use this gift. If you’re at a loss (or have a big temper), do some additional research on mindfulness. It is a huge help when engaging with gentleness. And if you find yourself in a situation where being gentle is out of the question, don’t hesitate to walk away. There is no need to tolerate abuse or ugliness; always maintain your boundaries! After all, we’re here to enjoy life, no? Just like with my puppy, I want my fellow humans to play, listen and learn. So instead of being divisive like dummies, let’s get smarter—through gentleness, truthfulness and less ugliness. Life can be a joyful ride instead of an explosive shart. So clean up your poo and get in line with your gentle self. You’ll be thankful you did. And a puppy or a fellow human will certainly thank you too.